Infidelity, extramarital affairs, sexual promiscuity – often sensationalized in the media, these relationship destroying choices happen all too often in “real life”.  However, lesser indiscretions can often lead a couple to struggle significantly, and can cause untold damage on the psyche of all involved.

Fortunately, there is help should you discover this happening in your relationship.  If you see this happening in your relationship, seek help, before it goes to far.

1. Confidential commitment – seen all too often in cohabiting individuals, or in the those that choose to have children outside of marriage.  When commitment is not obvious, sometimes in wanes in times of stress, or as the relationship matures.  This can also be found in marriages that attempt to create a strong bond, rather than being the result of one.
2. A nonsexual affair – there is a lot of grey here.  As a professional, I have come to see this as any time you share more with someone other than your partner.  This doesn’t always lead to a sexual affair, but it is almost always where one begins.
3. Lying – keeping secrets degrades trust.  In my practice I have seen financial secrets destroy marriages.  “Little lies” spoke to maintain the peace, or because you fear your partner’s response, build up over time and lead to frustration and resentment.  Be honest, always.
4. Forming a Coalition against the partner – often seen when one person in the relationship continues to confide in their own parents or family too much, and refuses to choose their partner and the new emerging family over their family of origin.
5. Absenteeism or Coldness – you can’t have a relationship without spending time with your partner.  You can’t build a relationship if you are not emotionally present, not only in times of great need, but also in the daily mundane events of life.  The more often you “turn toward” your partner, the more you build connection.
6. Withdrawal of sexual interest – there are many reasons intimacy and sex can cause a rift in a committed relationship, but it can’t often be easily fixed if it is related to deeper issues.  This often requires in-depth discussion and self assessment on a topic that not everyone is comfortable talking about.
7. Disrespect – in any form, degrades relationship and diminishes the individuals in it.  Whether it is your partner’s communication style, or if they treat you like you are inferior, you are being disrespected.  That needs to change for the relationship to get back on track.
8. Unfairness – “There cannot be mutual satisfaction if one member takes advantage of the other.”  Whether it is chores, finances, or any one of the possible areas of unfairness a couple could find, for a relationship to be healthy and grow, each individual must feel that it is fair.
9. Selfishness – “The interdependency of long-term relationships means that on occasion, partners will need to forfeit their own needs for the good of the relationship or family.”  If one partner can’t do this, if you recognize you can’t do this, it is time to consider an honest self-assessment.  This often happens at the birth of a child, when relationships within the relationship change as a child is introduced.
10. Breaking Promises – agreements in a relationship are the foundation of trust.  Changing those agreements without discussing it, is akin to lying, it degrades trust.  A healthy discussion when to change agreements like how finances are handled, or what religion raise children in, can build connection.  Breaking those agreements breaks trust.

Be aware of these in your partner.  Most importantly, be aware of them in yourself.  If you notice any of these happening, a healthy discussion can change course.  If not, help is available.

These 10 Betrayals come from Gottman’s What Makes Love Last?  How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal.