We all get into disagreements with our loved ones – spouses, significant others, partners.  Most people only bring into a relationship what they learned from their family of origin and past relationships, both good and bad.  It is impossible to agree on everything when we share our lives with someone else.  Here are a few helpful hints to help avoid disagreements from becoming “fights”, or worse.

No degrading language, No blaming, No yelling, No use of force – these are the basic ground rules.  If any of these are broken, the conversation is over, and we quickly go to offense & defense.  Nothing good can come of it.

No using the “D” word – Divorce – it’s a threat, and threats don’t lend themselves to good communication.  This is a argument starter, and a way to avoid and deflect the real issue.  Not something to be thrown around in a disagreement.

Define yourself, not your partner.  Most of us have heard the Counseling 101 concept of “I statements” – “I feel _____ when you _____”.  This is a good strategy that often gets corrupted when we turn to “I feel like you ________”.  See how quickly that becomes blaming?  Don’t do it.  Stick with talking how YOU FEEL.  Use emotions, your emotions, describe them.  Bonus suggestions, when you put “like” in that statement, it’s not an emotion, and it’s usually blaming.

One thing at a time.  Many couples find disagreement to be an opportunity to pull out the full laundry list of infractions incurred in the past week, month, year, or 30 years.  That doesn’t work.  Frustration over him golfing too much is not a good opportunity to remind him of that time he forgot to get you a birthday gift, or when his mother visited unannounced.  A disagreement is a time to fix one issue.  If years of resentment have built up and you have a list in your head of every wrong ever committed it’s time for professional help.

Finally – TAKE A BREAK from it – disagreements can become good discussions that last all afternoon, or they can become fights that should end immediately.  When you feel your blood pressure elevate, or your teeth clench, or your muscles tense, it’s time for a break.  Any of these symptoms means the adrenaline is pumping, and when adrenaline clouds the brain, rational conversation is physiologically impossible – the brain literally can’t think straight.  It’s time for someone to call a break – either for a few minutes, usually 30-60 minutes for the adrenaline to wear off, or maybe for a couple hours.  But be sure to come back to it.  A disagreement that get’s this out of control needs to be resolved before it becomes just one more thing in a laundry list of resentment.