Successful, healthy, relationships and marriages are built on a foundation of trust.  Without trust, we see relationships crumble under the weight of fear, anxiety, and contempt.

Trust is fairly easy to build in the early stages of a relationship, and simple, in theory, to maintain throughout the life of the relationship.  Some ways to build trust:

Be honest, do what you say you’re going to do, be on time, respect your partner’s opinions, set healthy boundaries around your relationship, spend ‘quality’ time together, communicate – especially when it comes to differences, be kind, validate your partner’s emotions, consider your partner’s influence in your decisions, respect your differences, be faithful.

Simple, right?  Do these things consistently – you don’t even have to do them well, just consistently, and you will maintain the health of your relationship indefinitely.

It’s when trust is broken that most couples have a hard time putting the relationship back together.  Some betrayals are harder to heal than others – I’ve seen it happen, I’ve helped it happen, it takes a lot of work to come back from betrayal and to rebuild trust.

Let’s be clear.  I’m not talking only about having a sexual affair outside your relationship that breaks trust, although that is a significant betrayal many couples struggle to come back from.  There are many small betrayals that can lead to the crumbling of the foundation of your relationship:

Emotional affairs – especially with the proliferation of social media, are devious encounters where one individual begins to confide in or connect more with someone outside the relationship.  This can lead to further intimacy – emotional and physical – but the act alone of trusting someone else with your emotions betrays the trust of your partner.

Turning away from your partner – choosing work, your smartphone, a hobby, the kids, television, anything…  Choosing to spend more ‘quality’ time engaged outside the relationship will eventually compound into a lack of trust and a sense of betrayal.  A relationship must be cultivated to stay strong – avoiding time in the relationship weakens it.

Lying.  Fairly synonymous with “betrayal”, even small indiscretions build up over time to damage trust.  One of the most damaging I’ve seen in my years in practice relates to finances.  Money rates in the top 2-3 stressors couples will deal with throughout their lifetime.  This is intensified when one person lies or manipulates the finances in their selfish favor.  I’ve also seen trust broken when one person in the relationship completely abdicates responsibility for the finances – choosing to be blissfully unaware, ignorant, of the financial situation – letting the other person be solely responsible – is not fair to either individual and will eventually lead to the betrayal of trust.

Avoid these, and your relationship will stay strong.

For more on the science behind trust, maintaining it, and rebuilding after betrayal, I highly recommend Gottman’s What Makes Love Last, but if you need more than just a book, I’m always happy to help.  – Dan