I am teaching a graduate course in relationship theory right now – “Family Systems Theory”, to be precise.

I forgot just how complex relationships can be.  In the class, we get to use terms like “Symmetrical and Complementary Relating” to describe communication, or “Cybernetics” to discuss the complex web of relationships each individual is a part of.  And then there are REALLY fun words like “Equipotentiality, Morphostasis, and Negentophy” which all describe very basic components of human interaction, but feel much more academic to say this way.

Every day in my office, I have the opportunity to witness relationships heal and grow.

I also share in the sadness of watching some relationships die.

Here are some of the things I’ve noticed – maybe they will help you in your relationships, marriage, or family.

1. You are not your parents, but you take bits of your experience with them, both good and bad, into your future relationships and in raising your children.  Even in that, you have a CHOICE, to do things the same or differently.
2. Changing a relationship pattern can be as simple as reading a book, or talking to a professional.  Personally, I recommend NOT combing the internet too deeply for help in this area, as opinions are not always science.
3. Honesty truly is the best policy – both with yourself and your partner.  The truth will always make itself known – it is too powerful to hide.  Keeping a secret only keeps the relationship sick.  Be honest with yourself and your partner, now.  If you wait a year or 5 years, the damage is only more painful.
4. Excessive alcohol and substance abuse destroys relationships – it slowly dissolves them and rots connectivity in so many ways.  Stop now.  Get help.
5. Any relationship, that was once healthy, is able to heal and to grow – I can’t think of a single situation that was “too far gone”.  But it takes BOTH people to work on it.  That being said, physical, mental, and emotional abuse is a relationship ender.  The potential trauma of abuse may be too much to heal.  But if these exist, was it ever a “healthy” relationship in the first place?
6. It takes too relatively healthy people – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially –  to begin a healthy relationship.  A relationship that begins healthy, can overcome a lot later on.  But an unhealthy start makes for a shaky foundation.
7. Moving in together too early REALLY complicates things – especially when the move was for financial convenience.  The relationship doesn’t have time to grow – you don’t really give yourself an opportunity to learn the quirks and cuteness of the other through dinner and dates when in the first few months you are dealing with sinks full of dishes and dirty clothes on the floor.  This can lead to serious future frustration.
8. Validation is the key to any relationship staying healthy, and growing healthier from wherever it may be now.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head from the past few weeks in the office – a little easier to grasp and implement than “Structural Determinism” and “Morphogenesis”.

Hopefully you found them helpful – if you would like to discuss how to use these ideas in your marriage, family, or relationship, I am here to help.  – Dan