Hopefully your Valentine’s Day last week was an enjoyable one – maybe you enjoyed a nice dinner out and some connecting conversation, or perhaps a quiet evening and home and some closeness.

But if not, if Valentine’s Day was a source of relationship stress, unattainable expectations, and just general unpleasantness – maybe it’s time to take a look at why.

In my office, the work of John Gottman and The Gottman Institute are common allies in relationship work.

In The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks about the Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse:

Criticism – criticism is different from a complaint.  Most relationships have complaints – little things that frustrate us about our partners.  But criticism is overly critical global expression of negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality.

Contempt – contempt takes criticism to the next level.  It is a sense of superiority over one’s partner that can be seen in sarcasm, sneering, cynicism, mockery, and hostile humor.

Defensiveness – playing the “innocent victim”, refusing to look at your own behavior and take responsibility for your part in the relationship, blaming the other.  Look, people become “defensive” for a reason – they feel a need to defend themselves based on the other’s behavior, but a refusal to look at one’s part, and constant blame prevents any kind of connecting communication.

Stonewalling – you know that look most teens get when you try to discuss anything of consequence with them?  Stonewalling is that same look in your spouse or partner…  in relationships where discussions start harshly, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one person just tunes out.  It’s hard to come back or repair when you’re not even paying attention.

The frequent expression of one of these in a relationship is pretty bad – but all four is a prelude to disaster.  If you are noticing these in yourself or your partner, read the book, and GET HELP NOW!