“Do you believe there is “The One” for everyone, that we have a soul-mate?”

That was right after he asked me, “Do you believe in Fate or Luck?”

Definitely some thought-provoking questions.  In terms of compatibility, NO, I don’t think we all have a “soul-mate”.  I recognize this might be due to my own professional bias – I do spend my day helping couples who have found themselves, perhaps even put themselves, in rather difficult situations.  People don’t come to counseling because everything is “GREAT”.  Years of witnessing what one person can do to another under the guise of “marriage” or “relationship” may have ended my fairy-tale of “The One” and “Happily Ever After”.  Fortunately, I also get to see the other side of a couple’s hard work and perseverance when they are able to pull through difficult times and come out better – individually and together – at the end.

So, no, there is no soul-mate that you will magically get along with everyday.  There isn’t a perfect relationship that never struggles.  She won’t always like your friends or hobbies.  He won’t get along with every member of your family or always have the perfect job.  The two of you together won’t agree on every topic, nor will you always be able to communicate that disagreement effectively.

Real relationships take work.  They involve giving each other grace.  It is about understanding and respecting differences, and not trying to change them to your ideal.  A strong, healthy relationship is built on mutual trust.

If you find yourself struggling in a relationship, please check out some of the resources on this site.  The Gottman books are some of the best around – two resources I refer to weekly.  If you are looking to understand your compatibility better, take a look at the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator on the MBTI tab – this is one of my favorites to use with couples.  A brief assessment of your personality preferences can yield hours of discussion and understanding.

All most of us bring into our relationships – into our marriages – is what we learned from our family of origin; both good and bad.  Unless you take some time to talk to other couples, read some books, or learn from experts in the field, you may find yourself repeating the patterns you swore you didn’t want to repeat.

Best of luck.  – Dan