…of Communication – in any relationship – but especially in a committed relationship…

Is LISTENING.

Although it is easy to write, it is pretty difficult for many of us to do.  For us Extroverts it is very hard to have the patience to wait for our Introvert to process what we said, formulate their response – which is often pure gold – and allow them to share.  Usually we can only handle 7-10 seconds of silence.

Our partner doesn’t always want an answer.

She does not want a solution to her frustrations.

He doesn’t want you to explain why you did it the way you did.

They just want to be VALIDATED.

Validation is something many of us missed out on in our relationships going back to childhood.  Maybe we still feel invalidated at work.  But we NEED to feel validated in our closest relationships.

Validation is simply the art of understanding, and accepting another’s feelings.  It is the opportunity to connect with our loved one in an important emotional way.

It as simple as saying, “Gee, that must have been very sad for you…”, or “Wow, you must have felt overjoyed!”

Don’t worry if you are “not good with feelings” or aren’t sure what emotion to identify – just trying helps.  It will build your emotional skills and your partner will likely correct if you are way off.  Either way, you build much more connection than if you were to say, “Well what you shoulda done was….”, “Well I would have….”

For the next week try this:

Don’t interrupt, wait for your partner to be done speaking.  Politely ask if they are done – in fact, perhaps you should wait those 7-10 seconds in silence.  Allow yourself to get uncomfortable with the silence.

Respond with this formula:

(Exclamation: ie. “Gee”, “Wow”, “Ugh”, “Sweet Christmas!”, “Hey hey holy cow!” – whatever comes to mind, make it yours, and make it fit the situation”

“You must have felt”….. (insert feeling word here – a bad guess is far better than telling the other person why they were wrong, or what you would have done differently, or what they should have done.)

Let me know how a week of that helps your relationship.

Next week: Stating Feelings (spoiler alert, when you say “I feel like you….”, you are no longer stating an emotion, you are complaining.)