Somewhere along the way, we seem to have developed the expectation that every difficult experience should teach us something.

A relationship ends, and we’re encouraged to look for the lesson. We lose a job, experience a disappointment, struggle with our health, or encounter some unexpected hardship, and almost immediately someone reminds us that everything happens for a reason.

Or perhaps my personal favorite: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Well, sometimes.

But sometimes what doesn’t kill you just leaves you exhausted, hurting, and wondering what in the world happened.

As a psychologist, I’ve spent a good portion of my career helping people make sense of difficult experiences. And as a student and practitioner of Viktor Frankl’s Logotherapy, I believe deeply in our human capacity to discover meaning even in the most challenging circumstances.

But there’s an important distinction that sometimes gets lost in our enthusiasm for personal growth.

Finding meaning in suffering is not the same thing as believing suffering is necessary for meaning.

Frankl never suggested that we should seek out suffering or endure unnecessary hardship simply because it might make us stronger. In fact, he argued that when we can change the circumstances causing our suffering, doing so is often precisely what life asks of us.

It’s when suffering cannot be avoided that another possibility emerges: the freedom to choose our attitude and response toward what we cannot change.

And even then, finding meaning doesn’t require us to pretend that what happened was good.

Sometimes a loss is simply a loss. An illness is an illness. A disappointment is disappointing. We can acknowledge the pain without immediately searching for some hidden benefit that makes it all worthwhile.

I think we sometimes rush to find lessons because sitting with uncertainty, sadness, or disappointment makes us uncomfortable. If we can identify what we’ve learned, perhaps we can convince ourselves that the experience wasn’t entirely beyond our control.

But not every difficult experience comes with a tidy explanation.

And not every wound needs to become wisdom.

Sometimes the most meaningful response is to grieve what we’ve lost, accept the help someone offers, establish a boundary, or make a difficult change. Sometimes it’s simply getting through the day without demanding that we emerge from it as a better version of ourselves.

Of course, we often do grow through adversity. Looking back, we may discover strengths we didn’t know we had, relationships we hadn’t fully appreciated, or priorities that needed reconsidering.

But that understanding often comes with time. It can’t always be forced, and it certainly shouldn’t become another expectation we place upon ourselves when life is already difficult.

One of the things I’ve always appreciated about Frankl is that meaning is not something we manufacture to justify whatever happens to us. It’s something we discover in how we respond to the particular circumstances life places before us.

And sometimes that response is remarkably ordinary.

We ask for help. We rest. We take care of someone. We make the appointment. We have the uncomfortable conversation. We allow ourselves to be sad.

None of those things makes for a particularly inspiring social media post.

But they may be exactly what the moment requires.

So if you’re going through something difficult right now, perhaps you don’t need to ask, “What am I supposed to learn from this?”

Maybe a better question is:

“What does this moment need from me?”

The answer might eventually lead to growth, insight, or a deeper understanding of yourself.

Or it might simply help you take the next step.

And for now, that may be more than enough.

Here’s wishing you a meaningful week.

Until next Monday,

Dr. Dan