I was recommended to read Humankind: A Hopeful History by Pam Roy, co-founder of the Viktor Frankl Institute of America.  The book takes a positive, and sometimes meaningful, approach to the question of human nature, and whether humankind is inherently good or evil.  As you might guess from the title, the author finds countless studies to offer hope to the idea that we are inherently good, and strive toward helping others while helping ourselves and our families.  It’s kind of the opposite of the Harari’s Sapiens, which paints us to be somewhat more self-serving.

The author closes out the book with his version of “Ten Rules to Live By” gleaned from his research.  I thought I might share them with you over the next few weeks:

1 – When is doubt, assume the best.  I say this so often in my office, especially to couples.  This simple change in thinking can alleviate so much ill will, and improve your interactions, and mood, significantly!

2 – Think in win-win scenarios.  We live in a consumer society that has conspired to think only of ourselves, our wants, our desires, and how to get them.  When we try to think of others, even while we are still thinking of ourselves, it can greatly improve outcomes.  This is the nature of “self-transcendent” behavior.

3 – Ask more questions.  I couldn’t agree more.  When we ask questions, we are seeking to understand.  When we seek to understand, we are actually listening to the other person.  When we listen, and seek to understand, we make those people around us, especially those most important to use, feel heard, understood, and possibly even validated.

4 – Temper your empathy, train your compassion.  This idea, and it’s in-depth description, is well worth reading the entire book.  Empathizing too much, experiencing another’s emotions, can be exhausting, and possibly lead to our own negative emotion, like resentment.  But training compassion, understanding someone else’s emotion, and perhaps even allowing it to bring you to positive, responsible, action; that builds relationships.

5 – Try to understand the other, even if you don’t get where they’re coming from.  See #3.  But also, add to that not judging the other when we don’t understand.  Not understanding someone doesn’t make them wrong, it just makes them different, or different from you.  But that’s not always bad.

So, that seems like enough for now.  That is plenty of homework.  Give these a try this week, see how they work for you, and I’ll send you the rest next week.  Of course, in that time, you might want to pick up your own copy of the book.  Take care.  – Dan