I’ve been in The Infidelity Business for quite a while now – in the business of helping people heal from unhealthy decisions in their relationships – NOT the business of exploiting and dramatizing those decisions that we are seeing right now.
I left adolscent substance abuse treatment – a highly focused practice, to go into the far more general and variable private practice helping people with different concerns ever day. I’ll never forget my first few sessions with a couple struggling through betrayal. I was NOT prepared for that kind of work – we don’t learn about that in grad school!! Sadly, it happens more often then you would think. I see it in my office often, and I even teach a class on it for therapists combining Logotherapy and the work of the Gottman Institute. It’s called Rebuilding a Meaningful Marriage.
I really feel for those people.
I am sad for the two people who were exposed and who are now having their unhealthy decisions made into internet memes.
I am sad for their partners/spouses who may have already had suspicions, but who didn’t deserve to have their intuitions confirmed in such a public manner.
And I am sad for the children and other family members who will deal with the consequences for years to come.
These situtations are entirely preventable in most cases.
And, in some cases when betrayal has happened, it is even possible to rebuild in a more meaningful way.
If you are interested in preventing or rebuilding, I definitely recommend the book “What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal”
The Gottman Institute, known for its research-based approach to relationships, provides a structured and hopeful framework for healing from infidelity. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, recovery from betrayal is possible and often strengthens a relationship—if both partners are committed to the healing process. They outline a three-phase model for rebuilding trust and connection – this is the model we focus on in my course for therapists:
1. Atone
This initial phase focuses on truth-telling, remorse, and accountability. The partner who had the affair must be fully transparent and take responsibility without defensiveness. It’s critical for the betrayed partner to ask questions and receive honest answers in order to make sense of the betrayal. The offending partner must show genuine empathy and consistently express remorse. According to Gottman research, this is where emotional safety begins to be re-established.
2. Attune
After atonement, couples work to rebuild emotional intimacy and communication. This involves learning to talk without triggering defensiveness or re-traumatizing each other. The Gottmans emphasize the need to turn toward each other emotionally—validating feelings, being present, and improving conflict resolution. The couple needs to re-learn how to be each other’s emotional allies rather than adversaries.
3. Attach
This final phase is about rebuilding trust and sexual connection. It includes creating a shared vision for the future and nurturing a secure emotional bond. The couple begins to co-create a new narrative about their relationship—one that acknowledges the pain but also celebrates resilience and renewal. Secure attachment is re-established through ongoing emotional responsiveness and consistency.
Key Principles from the Gottmans on Infidelity Recovery:
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Affairs are often a symptom of deeper issues, but never justified. As I’ve said in many sessions, “one person made the unhealthy decision, but it took both people in the marriage to allow the conditions for that decision to exist – one person is responsible for the decisions, both people are responsible for repairing the marriage, IF it is to be repaired.”
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Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions over time.
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Emotional betrayal is often more damaging than sexual betrayal.
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The “Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint” and “Aftermath of a Fight” conversations can be crucial tools during healing.
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Couples therapy is strongly recommended, especially with someone trained in the Gottman Method.
In summary, the Gottman Institute sees healing from infidelity not just as repair, but as transformation. With transparency, emotional attunement, and mutual effort, couples can build a stronger, more authentic connection than they had before the betrayal.
And for those of us who may be feeling a little morally superior, saying things like, “well, I would never do that….” be aware of these other ways to betray a partner. In all honesty, these come up far more often in my office compared to sexual infidelity.
According to the Gottman Institute, infidelity isn’t limited to sexual or romantic affairs—there are many other forms of betrayal that can damage trust and emotional safety in a relationship. Dr. John Gottman, in particular, emphasizes that betrayal is any act or choice that violates the expectation of mutual trust and loyalty in a committed relationship.
Here are 10 other ways to betray a partner, based on Gottman’s research and insights:
1. Emotional Withdrawal
Turning away emotionally, refusing to be vulnerable or present, or not responding to your partner’s bids for connection can feel like abandonment over time.
2. Lying or Hiding Things
Even small lies or withholding information can erode trust. This includes financial secrets, hiding habits, or concealing important feelings or intentions.
3. Disrespect or Contempt
Speaking with sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking, or belittling your partner creates emotional injury and conveys a lack of respect, which is a major betrayal of intimacy.
4. Breaking Promises
Repeatedly failing to follow through on commitments—big or small—can send the message that your partner can’t count on you, which undermines trust.
5. Siding with Others Against Your Partner
Taking someone else’s side in conflicts, especially in front of others (e.g., in-laws, friends), can make your partner feel betrayed and unsupported.
6. Not Defending Your Partner
Failing to stand up for your partner when they’re being criticized or mistreated by others can feel like a betrayal of loyalty and alliance.
7. Neglect
Overlooking your partner’s needs—whether emotional, sexual, or practical—is a form of passive betrayal that accumulates resentment and emotional distance.
8. Stonewalling
Shutting down, refusing to engage, or emotionally checking out during conflict can make your partner feel alone and rejected.
9. Turning to Someone Else for Emotional Intimacy
Confiding in someone else—especially about your relationship—instead of your partner, can create an emotional affair dynamic, even if not romantic.
10. Not Being There in Times of Need
Failing to support your partner during illness, loss, or emotional hardship can feel deeply betraying. Being absent when they need you most damages the bond.
These betrayals may not involve a third party, but they chip away at trust, safety, and emotional connection in much the same way. The Gottmans emphasize that successful relationships are built on a foundation of attunement, emotional availability, and consistent support—and betrayal is often the failure to uphold those essential bonds.
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