There is a truth about parenting that we don’t talk about very often.

Before our children are born, most of us begin imagining who they might become. We wonder what they’ll look like, what they’ll enjoy, what they’ll be good at, and what kind of relationship we’ll have with them.

Then an actual human being arrives.

And sometimes that human being is nothing like the child we imagined.

Perhaps your child is strong-willed, anxious, impulsive, angry, academically challenged, or struggling with something you never anticipated. Maybe there is a diagnosis you weren’t prepared for. Perhaps your child has made choices you don’t understand or taken a path you desperately wish they hadn’t.

Or maybe your child is simply very different from you.

One of the hardest transitions in parenting can be moving from raising the child we imagined to loving and guiding the person who actually arrived.

I’ve been thinking about this while revisiting the work of Elisabeth Lukas, one of Viktor Frankl’s most influential students. Lukas wrote extensively about finding meaning in difficult family situations, including the challenges of raising a difficult child.

One of the things I appreciate about her Logotherapeutic approach is the reminder that our children are not simply products of our parenting.

Parents matter enormously. We provide love, boundaries, guidance, examples, and opportunities. But our children are also human beings with their own temperaments, personalities, vulnerabilities, freedom, and eventually, choices.

Influence is not the same as control.

That’s important because parents can easily make a child’s struggles into a judgment about themselves.

If my child is struggling, I must have failed.

Sometimes we do make mistakes as parents. We may need to apologize, change our approach, or seek help. But our children are not our report cards.

Perhaps one of the hardest tasks of parenthood is learning the difference between loving responsibility and impossible responsibility.

I am responsible for how I parent.

I cannot completely control who my child becomes.

Lukas frequently wrote about the meaning of the moment—the idea that meaning is often found in discerning what a particular situation is asking of us right now.

That’s a powerful question for parenting.

Instead of asking, “Why can’t my child be different?” perhaps we ask:

“What does this child, in this situation, need from me right now?”

Sometimes the answer is patience. Sometimes it’s encouragement. Sometimes it’s a boundary or consequences. Sometimes it’s professional help. And sometimes it’s simply remaining present when we have no idea what to do next.

That’s acceptance—but acceptance is not resignation.

Accepting the child we have doesn’t mean approving of every behavior or abandoning expectations. It means beginning with reality rather than continually fighting against it.

This is my child. This is our situation. This is what I can influence. This is what I cannot control.

Now, what is the most loving and responsible response available to me?

I don’t believe difficult children are somehow given to parents in order to teach them a lesson. Life and suffering are rarely that tidy.

But I do believe Frankl and Lukas would remind us that even when we cannot choose the circumstances before us, we retain some freedom in how we respond to them.

And perhaps that’s where meaning can be found.

So if you’re struggling with a child right now—whether that child is six, sixteen, or forty-six—maybe the question for this week isn’t:

“Why can’t my child be more like the child I imagined?”

Instead, ask:

“What does this child, in this moment, need from me?”

And perhaps sometimes the answer is simply:

“I’m still your parent. I still see you. And I still love you.”

Here’s wishing you a meaningful week.

Until next Monday,

Dr. Dan