One of the questions I’ve been thinking about lately is deceptively simple:

Who are you becoming?

We spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about what we need to do. We make to-do lists, set goals, plan vacations, build careers, save for retirement, and measure our progress by what we’ve accomplished.

But we spend considerably less time asking who we are becoming while we’re doing all of it.

Viktor Frankl had a concept in Logotherapy that I’ve always loved: existential dynamics. He believed that psychological health does not necessarily come from eliminating all tension from our lives. In fact, some tension is healthy and necessary.

There is often a gap between who we are today and who we know we are capable—or called—to become.

Frankl sometimes described this in terms of becoming. We are always living in that space between our present reality and a meaningful possibility that exists somewhere ahead of us.

I think we often misunderstand that tension.

We assume that if we’re uncomfortable, dissatisfied, or restless, something must be wrong. Certainly, chronic anxiety and distress deserve our attention. But not every discomfort needs to be eliminated. Sometimes that uncomfortable feeling is our conscience reminding us that there is still work to be done.

Maybe I haven’t been as patient as I want to be.

Maybe I’ve allowed work to become more important than the people I love.

Maybe I’ve stopped challenging myself.

Maybe there’s a conversation I need to have, an apology I need to make, a responsibility I’ve been avoiding, or a gift I’ve been reluctant to share with the world.

The distance between where I am and where I believe I should be creates tension.

But that tension can pull me forward.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve had more time than I would have chosen to think about some of this. My cycling accident temporarily took away several things I normally do, and I’ve been reminded how easily we confuse what we do with who we are.

Psychologist. Author. Speaker. Cyclist. Husband. Father. Friend.

Those are important parts of my life, but underneath all of those roles is a much more important question:

What kind of man do I want to be while living them?

Am I becoming more patient? More generous? More courageous? More compassionate? Am I more present with the people I love? Am I living consistently with the things I say I believe?

That’s a different kind of scorecard.

And perhaps that’s what Frankl’s idea of becoming asks of us. We don’t have to arrive at some perfected version of ourselves. I’m not sure such a destination exists. Instead, we’re invited to remain in a healthy tension between who we are and who life is asking us to become.

So as another week begins, perhaps the most important question isn’t, “What do I need to accomplish this week?”

Ask yourself instead:

Who am I becoming?

Choose three words that describe the person you want to be. Maybe they’re patient, courageous, present. Or kind, disciplined, generous.

Then ask one more question:

What would that person do today?

Someday, when others tell the story of our lives, they probably won’t remember most of the things currently sitting on our to-do lists. They’ll remember something much more important.

They’ll remember who we were.

And perhaps a meaningful life is built in that space between who we are today and who we know we are called to become.

Here’s wishing you a week of meaningful becoming.

Until next Monday,

Dr. Dan