“Judgmentalism is in indeed a disease of the mind: it leads to anger, torment, and conflict. But it is also the mind’s natural condition – the elephant (the uncontrollable, impulsive part of the mind) is always evaluating, always saying “Like it” or “Don’t like it.”  So how do you change your automatic reactions?”

One way, from the cognitive behavioral therapists, would be to “write down your thoughts, learn to recognize the distortions in your thoughts, and then think of a more appropriate thought.  Focus on the should statements we carry around – ideas about how the world should work, and about how people should treat us.  Violations of these should statements are the major causes of anger and resentment.  Burns (author of the study) also advises empathy: In a conflict, look at the world from your opponent’s point of view, and you’ll see that he/she is not entirely crazy.”

On the other hand, Haidt offers this, “A better place to start is, as Jesus advised, with yourself and the log in your own eye.  And you will see the log only if you set out on a deliberate and effortful quest to look for it.  Try this now: Think of a recent interpersonal conflict  with someone you care about and then find one way in which your behavior was not exemplary.  Maybe you did something insensitive (even if you had a right to do it), or hurtful (even if you meant well), or inconsistent with your principles (even though you can readily justify it).  When you first catch sight of a fault in yourself, you’ll likely hear frantic arguments from your inner lawyer excusing you and blaming others, but try not to listen.  You are on a mission to find at least one thing that you did wrong.  When you extract a splinter it hurts, briefly, but then you feel relief, even pleasure.  When you find a fault in yourself it will hurt, briefly, but if you keep going and acknowledge the fault, you are likely to be rewarded with a flash of pleasure that is mixed, oddly, with a hint of pride.  It is the pleasure of taking responsibility for your own behavior.  It is the feeling of honor.

Finding fault with yourself is also the key to overcoming the hypocrisy and judgmentalism that damage so many valuable relationships…

From The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom