This post could’ve been titled a lot of things:

• Read the Word, Rock Her World

• Scripture & Sizzle: A Guide for Godly Men

• Read the Bible, Have More Sex

But I’m not usually known for my spicy blog titles.

However, I have been known lately to be talking on this topic quite a bit.  I took a casual sample of my caseload these past few months, and far more than half deal with this question.  How do I make my marriage better?  Or for some people, especially men, the question is “how do I have more sex?”  Or, from a more female perspective; “how do I find more connection with my partner?”

There is a lot that has been written on these questions over the past few thousand years.  Whether you are spiritual or religious person that believes the Bible is devinely inspired word of God, or simply a long-standing collection of solid wisdom, it’s hard to deny the guidance of many of it’s statements.  I’ll give you two pieces, and then back it up with some good academic research.

Guys, life goes better, marriage goes better, when we adopt a sacrifical attitude rather than demanding or defending.  Giving is better than taking.  Give our time, talent, and treasure to those closest to us yields far better results than demanding respect or attention or sex.  I’ve worked in far time many situations where a demanding, defensive, or flat out selfish husband, who thinks he is acting in the best interest of his family, becomes his own worst enemy, and the tyrant in his family.  Your best idea is to sacrifice, to give.  Give until it hurts, and then give a little more.  You will find meaning in this, and maybe a lot more.

The Apostle, Paul wrote nearly 2000 years ago:

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

One of my other favorites is even older – The book of Sirach, also known as Ecclesiasticus, was written a few hundred years BCE, making it a little older.  The interesting part is that it deals with alcohol.  It’s crazy to think we were dealing with alcohol concerns over two thousand years ago!  You see, the way I describe it in my work is this – alcohol is a “mood accentuater” – if you are feeling happy, a lilttle bit of alcohol will make you happier.  If you are feeling down, alcohol can take you lower.  And if you are feeling emotional about your relationship, well, alcohol can be a major wildcard.  In summary, talking about relationship issues after drinking is just no good – but it seems to happen an awful lot, with not-so-great consequences. 

Temperance in Drinking Wine

I really love those two little bits of wisdom.  They can be really helpful in changing the current trajectory of your relationship.  But if you want to go deeper with more of a modern research focus, I can’t recommend this book enough.  Written for women by a female scientist, it should be mandatory reading in all marriages, right next to Gottman’s 7 Principles.

Nagoski’s Come As Your Are